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Unforgiveness- My story

By March 11, 2019 No Comments

As I grew older, I had issues with anger. I saw things that made me angry, and I did not know how to deal with my feelings. My parents did not have the best marriage. He had his ways about him, and we didn’t  understand why. The weird thing is I was always close to him. I would go in his room sometimes, and grease his hair. I would brush it, or we would just chit chat. How could I hate him??

There was a particular accident that happened. I can remember I was feeling it was going to finally end. Yes!! We can  get away from all this madness. But, it didn’t turn out that way. I felt the anger  and rage that day. I was in high  school at the time. I knew then, as soon as I get a chance, I will leave this house, and not come back. After all, I felt my parents were too strict. Thank God they were! I had plans at first to go to college, but, school was not my friend, and I was not trying to do anything that had to do with math! 😢

That day I got the disappointing news from my mom, and I began to dislike my dad. I joined the Navy at 19, and I was so happy to be free! As the years went by, my parents divorced, and I rarely talked to my dad. He was the enemy to me. When I would come home on leave, my mom would encourage me to go see him, and I would not be happy, but I would do it.

I can remember one day, I was at my house. I read this devotional by G. Craig Lewis. He is the pastor of EX ministries. This was in the early 2000’s. He shared how he was walking in unforgiveness with someone, and the Holy Ghost dealt with him. I was so convicted reading it, I called my dad that night, and told him how I felt. He said he knew I was angry at him. We talked about it, he apologized, and I asked him to forgive me for being angry at him.  We assume, they moved on with life, and totally forgot about their wrong. Who made us the doorkeeper of their heart? How do you know they have not suffered  mentally, from what they did to you?

Unforgiveness never works alone. Anger, bitterness, rage, and resentment are some of the other spirits that will accompany this spirit. I was all of the above. My ex and I were trying to have children for years. We were married for a while,and figured it was time. Because of my unforgiveness, it blocked me from having children. I will share more about that later on.

Noone in this world is worth that much pain.  Sure we have had some of the most difficult  and traumatic experiences. But, the word clearly states in Matthew 6:15 , “If you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father in heaven forgive you.” Yeah, it’s that serious. Was it easy? No. One way to help work towards forgiveness is that we are to pray for our enemies. Not pray fire from heaven, to burn them up or their car engine to fall out, but that God will bless them. (Matthew 5:44) Jesus is our example. He was betrayed, back stabbed, abandoned, rejected,  hated, and the list goes on. The ultimate lesson was Judas. He knew, what was in his heart, but he gave him a chance anyway. Judas could not live with his decision, and took his life.

Forgiveness is a process. It won’t  happen overnight. Do I have it down to a science? No. It is especially hard when it seems like the hordes of hell is coming against you. At times, it doesn’t see fair. The bottom line is, if we don’t forgive them, He won’t forgive us. If we die with ought in our heart,  we will not see Jesus. The bible tells us, if we have ought in our hearts to leave our gift at the altar, and get it right, but we don’t  do that. (Matt 5:23) We pretend it is not there, then as soon as we hear that person’s name or see their face, we break out in hives, and our face contorts, or we dodge them like we owe them money.  That is a sure sign forgiveness is needed. I know I have hurt people before and had to ask for forgiveness.

Do you have an ought in your heart against someone? Did they betray, hurt, or disappoint you? Were lies told about you? Is there someone who needs to forgive you? It is not worth our souls. We have to forgive 70×7 which is 490 times a day!! (Matt 18:22)I will admit, I am a work in progress, but if we wanna be like Jesus,  we have to do what he did. Forgiveness is a choice. Saying we do, then rehashing the hurt every five minutes is not going to help us heal. It is so easy for us to tell the world who hurt us ,but we get amnesia when we hurt someone else. How is it that we want to be forgiven, but not reciprocate when it’s our turn?

We measure hurt on a scale, they have a 10 on the they-hurt-me-scale, and we have a 1.🤨 What we did was NOT as bad as what they did. Not true wrong is wrong. To them, we may be at a 10 on their scale. What they did may be visible to everyone,  but, what about what we did that many don’t know about? We can give the time, date, place, what they wore, the time, what they drove, all the details, but can’t handle the same in return. Do you need help forgiving someone? Does it seem like it is unforgivable? Does someone need to forgive you? Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you, who you need to forgive.

Father, in the name of Jesus.  I confess, I am angry at this person because they have hurt me. Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath;neither give place to the devil.” I admit, I gave the enemy a foothold by holding this grudge in my heart. I have hurt you over, and over, yet you forgive me, over and over. Forgiveness from you, I don’t deserve, but you do it anyway.  Lord, I love you and don’t  want to continue grieving the Holy Spirit. Help me, to walk in love, because  love covers a multitude of sin. (1 Peter 4:8) I choose to forgive those who have done me wrong, as you have forgiven me. In Jesus name  Amen!

For more information, please visit It Cost Me Everything

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